Liefde gebruik chemie, maar is nie chemie nie
Kort antwoord: As jy lief is, gebeur daar werklik iets in jou brein en jou bloed, en dit is goed so, want God het ons as liggame gemaak. Maar chemie verklaar hoe liefde in ’n mens gedra word, nie wat liefde is nie.
Jy is by ’n troue. Die bruidegom staan voor, en sy stem bewe effens. Stel jou nou voor hy sê: “Ek beloof om jou lief te hê, solank my oksitosien hou.” Die kerk sal doodstil word. Iemand sal die bruid se ma moet vashou.
Tog is dit presies wat jy elke tweede week op sosiale media lees: liefde is net chemie. Hoekom klink dit dan so verkeerd in die kerk?
Wat waar is
Begin by wat waar is. As jy verlief raak, verander jou liggaam. Jou hart klop vinniger, jy slaap swak, jy dink aan niks anders nie. Stowwe soos dopamien en oksitosien speel ’n werklike rol. Oksitosien is boonop dieselfde hormoon wat by ’n geboorte die baarmoeder laat saamtrek en ’n ma help om aan haar baba te heg.
’n Christen hoef nie hieroor verleë te wees nie. God het ons nie as engele gemaak nie, maar as mense van vlees en bloed. Ons liefde is nie bo die liggaam verhewe nie. Dit woon daarin.
Hoe, nie wat nie
Maar kyk wat die chemie eintlik verklaar. Dit verklaar hoe liefde in ’n liggaam gedra word. Dit verklaar nie wat liefde is nie.
Dink aan trane by ’n begrafnis. Hulle is water en sout, en ’n chemikus kan presies sê hoe die kliere werk. Alles wat hy sê, is waar. Maar niemand by die graf dink die trane gaan oor sout nie.
Die “net chemie”-storie het ook ’n probleem met tyd. Die eerste roes van verliefdheid bedaar, soos enige getroude paar jou sal vertel. As liefde die chemie was, sou die liefde daarmee saam verdwyn. Tog is die mense wat ons die meeste bewonder, dikwels dié wat liefhet lank nadat die gevoel stil geword het: die man wat elke dag sy vrou met demensie gaan voer, al herken sy hom nie meer nie.
Die draai
Hier is die knoop. Die Bybel beskryf liefde nie eers as ’n gevoel nie, maar as iets wat jy doen. In 1 Korintiërs 13 is liefde geduldig en vriendelik, en hou dit nie boek van die kwaad nie. Dit is alles werkwoorde. Jy kan nie ’n chemiese toestand belowe nie. Jy kan ’n persoon belowe. Daarom sê die troubelofte “tot die dood ons skei” en nie “solank dit hou” nie.
En dit gaan nog dieper. Johannes skryf dat God liefde is (1 Johannes 4:8). Jesus sê die Vader het Hom liefgehad voor die grondlegging van die wêreld (Johannes 17:24). Liefde is dus ouer as chemie. Voordat daar ’n enkele molekule was, was daar liefde tussen die Vader, die Seun en die Gees. Ons chemie is die manier waarop skepsels van stof deel kry aan iets wat eerste daar was.
Volgende keer
As iemand sê liefde is net chemie, vra: “Sal jy dit in jou troubelofte skryf?”
Die antwoord is gewoonlik ’n lag. Dit is ook chemie, maar nie net nie.
Gaan dieper
Love uses chemistry, but is not chemistry
Short answer: When you love, something really does happen in your brain and your blood, and that is as it should be, because God made us as bodies. But chemistry explains how love is carried in a person, not what love is.
You are at a wedding. The groom stands at the front, and his voice shakes a little. Now imagine he says: “I promise to love you for as long as my oxytocin lasts.” The church would go dead quiet. Someone would have to hold on to the bride’s mother.
Yet that is exactly what you read on social media every other week: love is just chemistry. So why does it sound so wrong in church?
What is true
Start with what is true. When you fall in love, your body changes. Your heart beats faster, you sleep badly, you think of nothing else. Substances like dopamine and oxytocin play a real part. Oxytocin, what is more, is the same hormone that makes the womb contract during birth and helps a mother bond with her baby.
A Christian need not be embarrassed about this. God did not make us angels but people of flesh and blood. Our love is not raised above the body. It lives in it.
How, not what
But look at what the chemistry actually explains. It explains how love is carried in a body. It does not explain what love is.
Think of tears at a funeral. They are water and salt, and a chemist can tell you exactly how the glands work. Everything he says is true. But nobody at the graveside thinks the tears are about salt.
The “just chemistry” story also has a problem with time. The first rush of being in love settles down, as any married couple will tell you. If love were the chemistry, the love would vanish along with it. Yet the people we admire most are often those who go on loving long after the feeling has gone quiet: the husband who goes to feed his wife with dementia every day, though she no longer knows him.
The turn
Here is the knot. The Bible does not describe love first as a feeling but as something you do. In 1 Corinthians 13 love is patient and kind, and keeps no record of wrongs. These are all verbs. You cannot promise a chemical state. You can promise a person. That is why the wedding vow says “till death us do part” and not “for as long as it lasts”.
And it goes deeper still. John writes that God is love (1 John 4:8). Jesus says the Father loved him before the foundation of the world (John 17:24). Love, then, is older than chemistry. Before there was a single molecule, there was love between the Father, the Son and the Spirit. Our chemistry is the way creatures of dust get a share in something that was there first.
Next time
When someone says love is just chemistry, ask: “Would you write that in your wedding vows?”
The answer is usually a laugh. That is chemistry too, but not only.